life coaching – Happily Healthful

What if Karma is a gift?

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We are all aware of the idea of karma, wether we choose to believe in it or not. Every belief system has a version of it such as “What comes around goes around”, “What you put into the world is what you get back” or “do unto others as you would have done unto you”. What changes the meaning of karma in all belief systems is our intent.

There is a world of difference between thinking, “the more good we put into the world the more good that come back to us” and “karma’s a bitch and you’ll get yours”. (That is often followed by “and I hope I’m there to see it!). For karma to be a gift it all comes down to our focus. One is about creating a better world for ourselves and others. The other is desiring and waiting to see something bad happen to someone else. The first thought is from the soul, the second from the ego.

I am finding that, with some thought, I can be compassionate instead of disgruntled when viewing someone’s negative behavior, wether it impacts me or not. I see, and sometimes feel, the negative and hurtful things that they are doing and I choose to feel concerned and sad for them. This comes from knowing that what they are doing is going to come back on them. You know, karma. What comes back on them from these events will be the opposite of what they consciously want for themselves.

When I take the time to think, the idea of karma cautions me to not think negative thoughts about others’ behaviors. Just the act of desiring something bad happening to someone else affects our karma as it creates negativity that plays out in our own lives. So, instead, I choose to think thoughts such as hoping that person learns something from an event that allows them to make healthy changes which will serve them and others.

Believe me, I did not start out being so positive. It took time, attention and patience to change my behavior. Like me, you may have to start out with small steps beginning with if: you cannot think of something good for that person, it is better to think nothing at all. That will at least leave your karma unaffected if not moving it in the positive direction.

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The gift of Karma is found when we learn to take a moment before acting. Taking that beat or breath to wonder how our behaviors or thoughts will work out in the long run may change what we are going to do or say. When we stop to think about those things it can temper our reactions into heartfelt and compassionate responses. Those changes affect our stress levels as our anger and hurt dissipate allowing us to return to a calm place. Living in a more calm state allows us to think clearly and act with intention rather than emotionally reacting in the moment.

Though we are unable to time travel back to change things that are affecting our karmic payday in the here and now, the beauty of karma is that we can rather quickly change our future instead. The process requires a little bit of patience up front as it takes some time for us to see the payoff. However, the sooner we begin, the sooner we feel the effects of creating “good” karma in our lives.

There is no time like the present to get started. What you do, say and think right now immediately start turning the tide of your life. It begins as just a little ripple on the water, barely discernible unless you are looking for it. As it goes along though, it picks up speed and volume as each karmic redirection builds on all the ones before it. Soon you will have a tidal wave of good karma washing over everything in your life. What a gift that will be!

We all deserve good in our lives. It is up to us to create a life into which those good things can, not only come, but be noticed and appreciated. Use the gift of karma to measure your words and actions so that your world quickly fills with all the good things that you are looking for.

I would love to hear about your good karmic events. Share a good karma story in the comments and lets get the ball, or karma, rolling in the right direction!

Have a New Year Without the Anxiety

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So the New Year has just begun (Happy New Year everyone!) and already my life is filling to overflowing! Moving, trips, goals, graduations, birthdays, anniversaries and on it goes. I am a list maker and so when I sat down to create my list of goals and all the known events and activities, like I do every year, I had an instant panic attack. All new year with the same old anxiety…

Any one else approach each new year with utter fear and panic? Well, stop it. (That’s what I told myself too). There are 365 days in a year and unless we have actually managed to fill each and every one of them on our calendars already, we have plenty of time. (If you have, filled all your days I mean, then kudos to you as that in itself is a real accomplishment!)

Sometimes we get tunnel vision and only see the small details. That is what causes the panic. If I look just at my list of events, activities and goals it can be overwhelming. There is so much already on it! When I pull back though and see the whole picture of my year ahead, that list becomes minuscule and very manageable. It is a list with a finite number of items on it that spreads out over the whole year. There is plenty of time when I use it well.

Here is how I am going to manage this year and keep the panic at bay. First, the events that already exist are going to be put on the calendar. These are the things like moving date, celebrations and appointments. Getting them on the calendar now keeps me from double-booking myself. There is very little more stressful than either trying to be more than one place at a time while not having the time to enjoy each event or having to tell someone that you cannot be there. I know that I hate disappointing someone else. I bet many of you do too. The thought of it absolutely makes me squirm!

The next thing I am going to do is look at my goals. The goals are the big picture of what I want. I will want to break them down into steps and give them a reasonable timeline. That allows me to put deadlines (horrible, stress-inducing term) on those steps so that I am always doing something to achieve them and move forward.

This process is definitely a bit more fluid, within reason. As I have a penchant for procrastinating when I get overwhelmed, stressed or lost, I cannot give myself too many outs. The deal is, as long as I am doing something to achieve those goals most days, the due date can be moved.

Things happen and plans don’t always come together the way we would like them to do so there needs to be some forgiveness in the process of setting up timelines. Rigidity causes stress. Life happening, of course, is much different from being unnecessarily busy and making excuses. I have found it to be true that: If you find yourself making excuses and being too busy, it is time to challenge how much that goal really means to you and adjust your year accordingly.

“If you really want to do something, you’ll find a way. If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse”.
Jim Rohn

I have, from time to time, had to truly assess why something is a goal for me. If it is something I think I have to do to be normal, please someone else, or live up to something I said/shared, it does not belong in my goals any longer. As a lifelong people-pleaser working towards recovery, I still find myself doing things that I do not enjoy. “No” is not natural to my vocabulary, but I am working at being better with it. It is a worthwhile process.

An example of one of the things that I have reassessed is my career path. Once upon a time I believed I wanted to own a Wellness Spa. I had the vision board and goals all lined up. Every step was accurately scheduled and defined. Then the excuses and busy work kept coming. At some point I realized I was not passionate about this goal anymore. I was resetting deadlines repeatedly. I was not procrastinating because I did not believe in my ability to achieve it. It was about not really knowing why I wanted to do it at all. I realized that I had become fearful of what my life was going to look like if I did achieve it! A true wake-up call!

Some honest soul-searching revealed that I was not passionate about owning a brick and mortar wellness business. What I was passionate about was the designing of it. I loved picking out the elements that would go into the spa. I loved creating packages that would best help people create peace and wellbeing. I loved teaching people how to take care of themselves and seeing them turn their lives around! What I did not love was the day-to-day running of it all. I did not love the routine of it. I really didn’t like the administrative part of it all. It turns out I love the things that allow me to be creatively helping others! That realization is making big changes in my life as I now am making much different choices. (That is how this blog was born.)

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The importance of sharing that part of my journey is to help you realize, your dreams can and do change. We don’t have to hold on to things that do not bring us joy and fulfillment. That is why reassessment is a great tool. It allows us to step back and see the whole picture. It allows us to take stock of our behavior and get honest with ourselves. Change of plans is not failure. It is success when we realize we may have taken a wrong turn somewhere and we can correct our course to head in the best direction to fulfill who we truly are and want to be in this life.

So, now my new year has been de-stressed for the moment. My calendar is being filled in with events and activities. I am in the process of breaking my goals down into realistic small steps with scheduled due dates. It is allowing me to have things to look forward to as my year progresses. I have also been scheduling spaces of time that are for “nothing”. These are the days I can go for a hike, sleep in, read a book, play in my kitchen, among other things. Scheduling this time is important as we do need time to rest and recharge so we do not burn out. It is also important that we make these times in our schedules non-negotiable, short of emergencies. We all need time for resting and recharging.

I would love to hear what’s on your calendar that you are looking forward to this year! Please share in the comments both challenges and successes. Also, if anyone has a better/more positive term than “deadline” I would love to know it! It would be great to have a less stress-inducing term for my planning.

Wishing everyone a wonderful 2023 full of peace, joy and fulfillment!

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Got to Break Free

So many voices inside our heads: mothers, fathers, preachers, teachers, etc. They are all there advising us how to live our best lives. Everyone seems to know just what we should do yet most of them aren’t doing it themselves. That’s probably because they are listening to the many voices in their heads too. My goodness I wish they’d all be quiet.

Those voices have kept me from doing a very great many things, including writing. I have had so many pieces of advice jammed into my head it’s a wonder I can get out of bed in the morning without checking in for advice on how to do it. It is exhausting and debilitating.

It’s time to break free. It is time to quiet those voices that are not helping us to live life as ourselves. All the unsolicited advice ever given has been based on someone else’s experiences or needs. No one ever means us harm, I don’t think, but so often people put themselves first, even if unintentionally.

I have found myself struggling to make decisions to move forward in my life. It comes from having been given two very different directives by people who had a say in my life. First directive: stand on your on two feet. If you can’t achieve it yourself you don’t deserve it. Asking for help is weak and an embarrassment. Second directive: do not be an inconvenience to anyone, be available to help others with their needs and wants first, you come last.

Let’s not get into the details of the many instances in my life that created these divergent beliefs. That would take an entire book and this is just a blog post. Just know, those directives were ingrained over many years by quite a few people. Many of them I surrounded myself with as an adult because they supported what I believed.

It still amazes me how good we are at finding so many things to support beliefs we don’t even know we have. Then one day, hopefully, we wake up and realize “this is not my beautiful house. Well, how did I get here?” (verses from a great existential crisis song by Talking Heads). When that moment happens, you’ve made your first step towards breaking free.

It is time to wake up and realize we may have strayed from the path we actually wanted to be on. The voices of all those people, past and present, are not living our lives. We are living our lives. We are the key to unlocking the cage we find ourselves in. It is up to us to turn this around and find a way back to the dreams we have buried. My favorite line/scene in the movie Labyrinth is when she realizes this very secret!

What a powerful statement! “You have no power over me!” Come on, say it! Now, keep saying it. Every time those voices start making noise use this as your key: “You have no power over me!” You may have to say it 1,000 times a day but that is so okay. Say it as often as you need to until you believe it. You will know that has begun to happen when you start making decisions without all those voices putting in their two cents worth. At the very least, the volume will have them turned down to a whisper. You will get to where you make confident decisions that lead you to the right places, have faith. Your heart and mind can work together to create your beautiful life. It is just going to take a little consistent practice.

You have all you need to find the answers to live life your way. You have the courage, knowledge, willpower and heart. Now, let’s lose the excuses of our past to not live fully present today making all our dreams our reality for the future. You are the key, the author, the manifester of your wishes, dreams and life. It may take a little time to either backtrack or find a new road to where you are going, but you can do it. Break free! You deserve to live life as you!

The Way Out is Through

Every trauma we suffer has two major possible components: pain and emotional pain. It can have one or the other, and it can have both. After that traumatic events are all made up of the variable details: who, what, where, when, why and then all of the hidden sensory input: what could be seen, heard, smelled, tasted and felt.

The reason we’re unable to completely disarm some traumatic events is the lack of realization of all the details surrounding us during the event. At the time of the event we are focused on the danger at hand. We quickly slide into fight or flight mode using the limbic system of the brain known as the amygdala. It is the most primitive portion of our brain responsible solely for survival and is often referred to as the lizard brain due to the fact that the limbic system is pretty much all there is to a lizard’s brain – survival.

As we go through a traumatic event, our analytical brain function dials down. This is because the analytical brain and amygdala are unable to function at full capacity at the same time. We tune out much of the details around us outside of the antagonizing force we are dealing with in the moment. It is not that we do not take the details in at all, it is that the volume is turned down on them due to their lack of importance in the moment.

All of those low-volume details do not cease to exist, they are stored instead in the same limbic system that governs fight or flight. This area is the Reticular Activating System or RAS. It is responsible for bringing details in and out of our focus dependent upon circumstances at any given time. We are surrounded by sensory input all the time. If our brain focused on all the details surrounding us all the time we couldn’t process a rational thought.

With all the aforementioned in mind, here is why trauma continues to haunt us even decades later. All of those hidden details become what psychology refers to as “triggers”. Triggers can be any little detail that was present during the traumatic event: the color of paint on the walls, a pin someone was wearing on a hat, a song that was playing in the background, the temperature, the weather, food cooking; you get the idea.

In our day-to-day life one detail or trigger happening around us at any given moment probably won’t even register. However, three, four or more triggers going on around us at the same time can be enough to bring on an emotional response to a situation that doesn’t even remotely resemble the initial trauma. You can be having an innocent discussion with a friend that escalates into an anxiety-filled fight or flight response of epic proportions. This is because enough unconscious triggers from a past traumatic event were present to turn on the fight or flight response in you. In that moment all you can do is whatever it takes to survive and get away. Then when the dust settles and you are mortified at your response (whether you admit it or not) you are unable to explain how things went that bad that fast. This scenario can continue to play out through the course of one’s life.

It is time to change how we face trauma. Medication, medical procedures, and many talk therapies have often had short-term affects but nothing that has given life-long change. We have a world filled with wonderful people who are being controlled by past events. We need better help physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually in returning the power of self to each of us.

What is needed is professionals trained in safely guiding people back through a trauma to unearth all those hidden details waiting to trigger another painful reliving of traumatic moments. As long as those details lay hidden, they continue to hold power over our responses to the world. Some of the work needed we can even start doing ourselves. No one knows us better than we do.

When we have a disproportionate response to current circumstances it is time to start sifting through the details. This begins with determining what past traumatic event did the current circumstances seem to bring up for us? Journaling is very good for this. Start writing out the details. In your mind look around the environment you were just in searching out the details that were also present in the initial traumatic moment. This is the way that we diffuse those triggers. You can come back to the journal repeatedly as more details come to light.

There is something else we need to do as we discover our triggers and take back our power from the past. We need to apologize to those we unintentionally hurt with our response to an innocent situation. I don’t say this lightly. However, it has saved some very important relationships in my world. Being able to say “I’m sorry” and sharing what set me off and what it reminded me of have been cathartic experiences bringing those I love closer to me again.

In the case of serious trauma involving any form of abuse or PTSD, please work with trained professionals who are willing to allow you to work through one layer at a time. This is not something that can be forced or rushed through. You deserve to be safe and experience the best outcomes as you work through your trauma(s). Interview professionals with whom you are considering working. Not all therapists are the same. You have to find someone with whom you feel comfortable with and that has had success helping with what you wish to achieve. I wish I had the answers to who those professionals are. It is something that certainly needs to be addressed so that those of us finding the courage and strength to take these steps may do so with those that instill confidence and trust.

If you are a professional doing this type of work, or you are someone who has worked with one that was successful in helping you, please share that information in the comments. Let’s all help each other safely make this journey. We deserve to be living our best lives free of the past.

Freedom Brings Happiness

Let me start by saying that this article is in no way a political statement or discussion. There are those who are far better equipped than I for that conversation. If that was what you were looking for you need read no further. Enjoy the personal freedom, which is what I will be talking about, to go no further.

Okay, whoever is left, thanks for sticking around:

Freedom: the condition or right of being able or allowed to do whatever you want to, without being controlled or limited
Cambridge Dictionary

We all have goals. “I want to be happy” is the most popular goal of them all. Then comes the question what do you need to be happy? That’s when the wish list comes out: I want lots of money. I want this kind of house. I want to live in this certain place. I want to weigh a certain weight. I want this certain job. I think you get the idea. That leaves us with the understanding that we can only be happy when we have that wishlist met. Happiness then, it would seem, is fleeting at best. It comes and it goes as the items on our wish checklist do and changes at a moments notice based on almost anything that passes or does not pass through our lives. There are many things in this ideology that can stand in the way of our happiness.

Perhaps then the goal should not happiness. Maybe what we are actually looking for is the space for more opportunities to be happy and that those times last longer. We may consider that happiness is then the by-product of what we are actually looking to obtain. What I have heard from most people is that we all want to do what we want to do, when we want to do it, how we want to do it and with whom we want to do it. I believe that this is the layman’s term for freedom.

Once we decide that freedom is the goal we can start a different list. This list will be what we would be doing if we were free to do what we want. I think very few of us, if any, would choose to work more, whether that is at a job or at home. We probably wouldn’t choose to do more housework, work longer hours or spend more time away from those with whom we love to spend time. I think we might choose instead things like sleep until the sun rose, be creative, take a walk outside in the fresh air and sunshine, be with the people we love. Okay, that’s my list. Yours may look a little different.

What I’m getting at is that freedom, unlike happiness, has little to do with the things we collect. In fact our collection of things and the constant need for more of them to sustain the feeling of happiness may well stand in the way of our freedom. Don’t get me wrong, if going sailing is something you truly enjoy spending time doing, it will be important to have a sailboat or at least access to one with which to do it. We obviously will want to have the tools to do the things we want the freedom to do. More so consider how much stuff we have collected that no longer has our attention while we strive to make enough money to buy more. Personal freedom has a lot more to do with how we choose to spend our time and with whom we spend it and only a little bit about the items needed.

I got to really thinking about the distinctions between happiness and freedom recently as I looked back over the past couple/few years. I know and fully acknowledge that many things went awfully wrong in that time and I will not disregard or make light of the many tragedies that were suffered over that time. However, when I looked back over this time in a personal sense it turned out that a lot of things had gone right. Though I had to close down the practice I had spent a great deal of time building I wound up having time with my son and my husband that I had never before had, ever. I took walks in nature most days with my pup. I woke with the sun. I had time to write and do photography. Prior to two years ago I had been busy busting my tail perpetually to have a bigger paycheck. That bigger paycheck allowed me to take a couple of “good” vacations each year. Those vacations, though memorable, only left me dissatisfied with my every other day. I was dissatisfied because I wanted more of that freedom to do, be, go and have what I wanted.

What I have learned about freedom, personal freedom, is it does look different to everybody. For some, it is to have a business that they run the way they want. For others, it is about more quiet time. Still others, it is the time to be around people having great conversations and lots of laughs.

It does not matter what you want the freedom to do. There are no wrong answers to the question: “What would you do if you were free to do anything you wanted?” It may start as simple as binge watching a show you only saw the first season of before you got too busy to keep up with it. Any place is a good place to start. When we start figuring out what we want the freedom to do, we can create the road map that leads us to that freedom.

To get you started on a path to freedom I’ll give you an example. One of the things I mentioned wanting the freedom to do was getting up with the sun. Now, mind you, I don’t have little kids that I’m raising. If I did, I might have to put that desired freedom a little further down my priority list. For me the road map to that particular freedom was, when I was able to start rebuilding my massage practice, starting my work day later. My hours don’t start until 10 AM because I want to get up with the sun. This allows me to be more relaxed entering my work day and fully present for my clients. All the way around a win-win.

We have the power and ability to create the freedoms we crave. Sometimes it means trade-offs either with our own priorities, time-lines or with our significant others. Once we start working on what freedom looks like to us as individuals, it very quickly sorts itself out which are the most important and achievable right now. Every time we create another one of our personal freedoms we make another step to creating the overall life of freedom we want to be living. The more free we are, the happier we just may find ourselves.

Here is a suggestion to begin creating your road to freedom. Create the picture of what your absolute life of freedom looks like. It doesn’t matter how you do it, but make it concrete so you can refer back to it over time. Paint an actual picture, write a list, make a vision board. The point is to make it something real that you can look at any time you want. It’s yours, so there is no wrong answer and you can change it over time. Even better, over time you can see how far you’ve come.

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Once you have your picture, it is time to get to work. Choose the simple, most easily achievable goals first to get that immediate taste of freedom and success. Enjoy the journey. Celebrate the wins. Don’t let the challenges discourage you. Don’t be afraid to change course. Sometimes we have to take a detour to get safely where we mean to go. The only way you can go wrong is if you do nothing at all.

For me life is good and I am happily enjoying my continued journey to freedom. I can’t wait to see where your journey takes you! Please share in the comments some of your personal freedom choices and let’s celebrate each others’ wins!

Lessons by the Sea

Wandering through Pinterest I came across this beautiful poem by Bernadette Noll. It really resonated with me while bringing back so many lovely memories of time spent by the ocean with people I love. I liken my sifting through Pinterest to sifting through the sand by the sea. I am always looking for those wonderful little gems to collect and share. Both tasks takes some time and patience. Yet they bring such unexpectedly perfect rewards.

I spent summers at the shore in New Jersey with my family. We would go on wanders in both good weather and bad. It was there that my mom and dad taught us the lesson of unexpected gifts. My parents showed us that by broadening the lens of our focus and having no expectations we could allow anything to come to our attention.

There we would be, the five of us like the little sand pipers up and down the beach, close to the waves and back again, looking for those little treasures. Some days there might not be much to be excited about. It was just nice to enjoy being close to the water. We all loved hearing the waves and smelling the salt air. The day was never a waste. Then there were those other days. They were the days when out of nowhere someone would find that perfect surprise piece of sea glass all polished and worn. The color would be exclaimed over when a rare shade was found. There was no jealousy in someone else’s find. There was just excited exclamations and joy because sea glass was no easy thing to find. Hail to the intrepid and patient adventurer who found that rare gem!

My dad would then get us to thinking about that worn bit of flotsam. What had it been when it was whole? Where had it started? Where in the world had it traveled? Who had touched it at some point? What did its’ color tell us about its’ story? He helped us appreciate why even finding that little piece of sea glass was such a gift. He helped us understand that its’ “life” was an adventure to be treasured. He set our imaginations to wandering and instilled in us a desire to know and understand stories that were not our own.

That is why this beautiful poem spoke to my soul. Our lives are much like sea glass. Where have we been? What have we seen? Who have we known? What has our place in the bigger picture been as we’ve traveled our spiraling, bouncing and wandering paths? We’ve entire adventures to share.

Let us step back and view the panorama of each others’ lives through a broadened lens. Any one of us might be a gift that another didn’t even know they were looking for. It is time we appreciate all that each of our lives have been and where they may yet go. We are like those precious bits of sea glass discovered near the ocean. We become a bit worn, our angles softened by our experiences. Yet we are all still gifts. Let’s find and enjoy the hidden treasure that is each of us.

Just do it!

It is time to tell the voices of your history to shut it! Yes, I said shut it. Somewhere in our lifetime, there was some thing we wanted to do. Some thing maybe we wanted to be. Then we started letting everyone else tell us who, what, how, why and when to be anything, everything. Tell me who made them the boss?

I know some things we were told were truly for our own good. You know the ones, look both ways before you cross the street, save some money for a rainy day. They are good things as they have continued to keep us alive and well.

That’s not the things I’m talking about. I am talking about the things that set our souls on fire. The ones that made our hearts come alive. The ones that got our whole being to perk up.

Those things will be different for everybody. Could be singing, dancing, acting, painting, gardening, writing. You get the picture, creative things. Some time in your life you may have enjoyed those things. Unfortunately, somewhere in your life, someone put it in your head that you couldn’t do those things. Maybe it wasn’t a “safe bet” for a future career. Maybe they were in a bad mood and told you to stop what you were doing because it was annoying them. Maybe someone else stepped all over their thing and they believed no one should get to do some thing like that if they couldn’t. Who knows what their motivation might have been.

So you stopped. Maybe you never even started. Growing up we overhear all kinds of conversations. As kids we tend to internalize those conversations because it came from someone important to us, important to our welfare even. We did not want to disappoint that person so we never did anything with that thing we wanted to try. I’ll give you an example. When I was a kid, I wanted to try learning to play the violin. I loved the sound of violin music. I loved watching someone play because their whole being became involved with the music. I was told that I would not be allowed to learn because the sound of someone learning the violin is like listening to cats being tortured. (not making that up). That was it. No violin. Perhaps I might have proved to be a virtuoso. The world will never know. Or will they?

You see, we’re grown-ups now. I’m not saying that thing of ours is going to turn our worlds around. I’m not saying that thing is going to make us a millionaire and loved by the world over. I’m not saying any of that. What I’m saying is, that those things made our hearts come alive. It made us dream. It made us imagine all possibilities. That is all that those things needs to do now.

I don’t know if any of us will be any good at what we try. It may take a little time to show any promise of being good at whatever it is. There is only one way to find out if we are going to be good at something. We just have to do it. Do it as a hobby. Do it as a toe-hold on our sanity. Do it because it brings our souls back to life and our souls deserves to live, really live. The people around us deserve to see us with our inner lights turned on and turned up bright.

Just one more thing. Remember how soul crushing it was to not be able to at least try that thing out? Let’s do someone else the favor of not doing that to them. Let’s support someone else trying out theirs. Maybe it’s your kid, your friend, a parent. It doesn’t matter who it is. It is time to lift each other up and give ourselves the chance to see where that little dream we have, that little light, takes us. What a beautiful world we are going to create.

Share your some thing and how you’re doing with it in the comments. Chat with each other. Chat with me. Let’s be each others cheering section?

P.S. If that thing you try out doesn’t quite pan out, it’s okay. You can tweak it or change it all together. There are so many facets to our own art and how it gets expressed. I have a great friend that knits hats that he donates to Veterans’ Organizations. Who knew he’d be so good at it and get such joy out of it. There are no limits on the things we get to try, how old we are or how long it takes. Just do it.

“I Hate Confrontation”

According to Oxford Dictionary confrontation is: A hostile or argumentative meeting or situation between opposing parties. Based on that definition, agreed, I hate confrontation. However, confrontation should not be confused with disagreement. A disagreement is when we don’t see eye to eye on a subject. It becomes a confrontation when it escalates into loud voices, arguing, expletives and more.

Sometimes someone tells us something about ourselves, or something they perceive in us that we don’t like. It seems it is human nature to immediately take the opposition with guarding and argument. We may use deflection pointing out something we don’t like in the other person or even someone not involved at the time who exhibits the same behavior or trait. We may use the tactic of making excuses for what has been pointed out to us as well. What if instead we just took a moment to think about what that person has shared with us. Do you know what courage it may have taken them to bring this to your attention? I have rarely found that there isn’t some truth to what someone has showed me about myself.

Unless we’re already at the confrontational phase, what that person is pointing out to us is most likely not meant to be hurtful. Not if it is someone who cares about us. It is often easy to tell that they are coming from a loving place by the language they are using to point something out to us. The fact that they are not yelling should be a really good sign. When someone is bringing our attention to a trait or behavior of ours it is because they want things to be better in their relationship with us. They may devolve into that confrontational stand point when they feel the frustration of not being heard or understood.

Listen, pause and think. This is one of the best ways to work through something with someone who cares about us. Maybe we don’t realize we respond a particular way because it has become a habit for us. We can ask to step away from the conversation if we need to give ourselves time to see it through the other person’s eyes. We can always continue the conversation later. People really do want to get along and will give us the space we need when they care about us.

Of course, we all want to be the hero of our own story. But, did you ever notice, the hero in every story has a moment where they question themselves and who they are? They have this epiphany often brought on by some level of adversity that evolves them into the true hero that they are meant to be. Let’s consider what someone is sharing with us about ourselves as one of those possible moments to evolve.

We deserve to be the best version of ourselves. Sometimes that means working on something about ourselves that hurts someone else. Sometimes, it is seeing ourselves with honesty and doing the work that is necessary to create the change we want to see around us. None of us is perfect and honestly, who would want to be. Perfection leaves us nothing to strive for. However, we are all amazing works in progress. Sometimes the next lesson, the next evolution of ourselves comes from someone showing us our not best features and giving us the opportunity to grow. Ideally, that is what can bring people closer together.

Insight into an Introvert

As the saying goes, it’s the quiet ones you have to watch out for. We take it all in. We see and hear quite a bit. We carefully choose the conversations to involve ourselves in. If we’re comfortable with you, we’ll get into incredibly deep conversations with you.

We have difficulty in crowds as there is a lot of information coming at us all at once. It is why we like the quietest corner to observe from. We enjoy (mostly) all the people around us. But often it is difficult to filter through all the talk going on at one time. We do best in small groups for that very reason.

Introverts are social. We are not stuck in our own heads. Though our quietness makes it look that way. We simply have an ability to observe everything at once and it becomes overwhelming. We then need to take time to decompress from all the sensory information that has come at us. We recharge and unwind sifting through all that information. When our batteries are back at full we’ll be out and social again, no worries.

So if you see that quiet person in the crowd, they may be the most interesting conversation you have at that gathering. Just give them a little time to get comfortable with you.

Just a reminder…

I love this! We all have that amazing day when we stand up for ourselves and say I’m done. We mean it too. Then life happens and we forget that we said “I’m done”. How about we remind each other. Let’s catch each other when we see one of us faltering. We don’t have to do things all alone. It’s time to surround ourselves with the people who will catch us when we fall and help us be strong again. I’m here to remind you that you’re done. Maybe tomorrow, you can remind me.

Tiny Buddha is one of my fave places for positivity. You can catch them on their own website or follow them at Tiny Buddha on Facebook! (No compensation for sharing their info). Click on the highlighted text and it will take you right there.

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