Tag: health

The Way Out is Through

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Every trauma we suffer has two major possible components:  pain and emotional pain.  It can have one or the other, and it can have both.  After that traumatic events are all made up of the variable details:  who, what, where, when, why and then all of the hidden sensory input:  what could be seen, heard, smelled, tasted and felt.

The reason we’re unable to completely disarm some traumatic events is the lack of realization of all the details surrounding us during the event.  At the time of the event we are focused on the danger at hand.  We quickly slide into fight or flight mode using the limbic system of the brain known as the amygdala.  It is the most primitive portion of our brain responsible solely for survival and is often referred to as the lizard brain due to the fact that the limbic system is pretty much all there is to a lizard’s brain – survival. 

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As we go through a traumatic event, our analytical brain function dials down.  This is because the analytical brain and amygdala are unable to function at full capacity at the same time.  We tune out much of the details around us outside of the antagonizing force we are dealing with in the moment.  It is not that we do not take the details in at all, it is that the volume is turned down on them due to their lack of importance in the moment.

All of those low-volume details do not cease to exist, they are stored instead in the same limbic system that governs fight or flight.  This area is the Reticular Activating System or RAS.  It is responsible for bringing details in and out of our focus dependent upon circumstances at any given time.  We are surrounded by sensory input all the time.  If our brain focused on all the details surrounding us all the time we couldn’t process a rational thought.

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With all the aforementioned in mind, here is why trauma continues to haunt us even decades later.  All of those hidden details become what psychology refers to as “triggers”. Triggers can be any little detail that was present during the traumatic event:  the color of paint on the walls, a pin someone was wearing on a hat, a song that was playing in the background, the temperature, the weather, food cooking; you get the idea.  

In our day-to-day life one detail or trigger happening around us at any given moment probably won’t even register.  However, three, four or more triggers going on around us at the same time can be enough to bring on an emotional response to a situation that doesn’t even remotely resemble the initial trauma.  You can be having an innocent discussion with a friend that escalates into an anxiety-filled fight or flight response of epic proportions.  This is because enough unconscious triggers from a past traumatic event were present to turn on the fight or flight response in you.  In that moment all you can do is whatever it takes to survive and get away.  Then when the dust settles and you are mortified at your response (whether you admit it or not) you are unable to explain how things went that bad that fast.  This scenario can continue to play out through the course of one’s life.

It is time to change how we face trauma.  Medication, medical procedures, and many talk therapies have often had short-term affects but nothing that has given life-long change.  We have a world filled with wonderful people who are being controlled by past events.  We need better help physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually in returning the power of self to each of us.  

What is needed is professionals trained in safely guiding people back through a trauma to unearth all those hidden details waiting to trigger another painful reliving of traumatic moments.  As long as those details lay hidden, they continue to hold power over our responses to the world.  Some of the work needed we can even start doing ourselves.  No one knows us better than we do.

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When we have a disproportionate response to current circumstances it is time to start sifting through the details.  This begins with determining what past traumatic event did the current circumstances seem to bring up for us?  Journaling is very good for this.  Start writing out the details.  In your mind look around the environment you were just in searching out the details that were also present in the initial traumatic moment.  This is the way that we diffuse those triggers.  You can come back to the journal repeatedly as more details come to light.

There is something else we need to do as we discover our triggers and take back our power from the past.  We need to apologize to those we unintentionally hurt with our response to an innocent situation.  I don’t say this lightly.  However, it has saved some very important relationships in my world.  Being able to say “I’m sorry” and sharing what set me off and what it reminded me of have been cathartic experiences bringing those I love closer to me again.

In the case of serious trauma involving any form of abuse or PTSD, please work with trained professionals who are willing to allow you to work through one layer at a time.  This is not something that can be forced or rushed through.  You deserve to be safe and experience the best outcomes as you work through your trauma(s).  Interview professionals with whom you are considering working.  Not all therapists are the same.  You have to find someone with whom you feel comfortable with and that has had success helping with what you wish to achieve.  I wish I had the answers to who those professionals are.  It is something that certainly needs to be addressed so that those of us finding the courage and strength to take these steps may do so with those that instill confidence and trust.

If you are a professional doing this type of work, or you are someone who has worked with one that was successful in helping you, please share that information in the comments.  Let’s all help each other safely make this journey.  We deserve to be living our best lives free of the past.

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Lessons by the Sea

Wandering through Pinterest I came across this beautiful poem by Bernadette Noll. It really resonated with me while bringing back so many lovely memories of time spent by the ocean with people I love. I liken my sifting through Pinterest to sifting through the sand by the sea. I am always looking for those wonderful little gems to collect and share. Both tasks takes some time and patience. Yet they bring such unexpectedly perfect rewards.

I spent summers at the shore in New Jersey with my family. We would go on wanders in both good weather and bad. It was there that my mom and dad taught us the lesson of unexpected gifts. My parents showed us that by broadening the lens of our focus and having no expectations we could allow anything to come to our attention.

There we would be, the five of us like the little sand pipers up and down the beach, close to the waves and back again, looking for those little treasures. Some days there might not be much to be excited about. It was just nice to enjoy being close to the water. We all loved hearing the waves and smelling the salt air. The day was never a waste. Then there were those other days. They were the days when out of nowhere someone would find that perfect surprise piece of sea glass all polished and worn. The color would be exclaimed over when a rare shade was found. There was no jealousy in someone else’s find. There was just excited exclamations and joy because sea glass was no easy thing to find. Hail to the intrepid and patient adventurer who found that rare gem!

My dad would then get us to thinking about that worn bit of flotsam. What had it been when it was whole? Where had it started? Where in the world had it traveled? Who had touched it at some point? What did its’ color tell us about its’ story? He helped us appreciate why even finding that little piece of sea glass was such a gift. He helped us understand that its’ “life” was an adventure to be treasured. He set our imaginations to wandering and instilled in us a desire to know and understand stories that were not our own.

That is why this beautiful poem spoke to my soul. Our lives are much like sea glass. Where have we been? What have we seen? Who have we known? What has our place in the bigger picture been as we’ve traveled our spiraling, bouncing and wandering paths? We’ve entire adventures to share.

Let us step back and view the panorama of each others’ lives through a broadened lens. Any one of us might be a gift that another didn’t even know they were looking for. It is time we appreciate all that each of our lives have been and where they may yet go. We are like those precious bits of sea glass discovered near the ocean. We become a bit worn, our angles softened by our experiences. Yet we are all still gifts. Let’s find and enjoy the hidden treasure that is each of us.

Just do it!

It is time to tell the voices of your history to shut it! Yes, I said shut it. Somewhere in our lifetime, there was some thing we wanted to do. Some thing maybe we wanted to be. Then we started letting everyone else tell us who, what, how, why and when to be anything, everything. Tell me who made them the boss?

I know some things we were told were truly for our own good. You know the ones, look both ways before you cross the street, save some money for a rainy day. They are good things as they have continued to keep us alive and well.

That’s not the things I’m talking about. I am talking about the things that set our souls on fire. The ones that made our hearts come alive. The ones that got our whole being to perk up.

Those things will be different for everybody. Could be singing, dancing, acting, painting, gardening, writing. You get the picture, creative things. Some time in your life you may have enjoyed those things. Unfortunately, somewhere in your life, someone put it in your head that you couldn’t do those things. Maybe it wasn’t a “safe bet” for a future career. Maybe they were in a bad mood and told you to stop what you were doing because it was annoying them. Maybe someone else stepped all over their thing and they believed no one should get to do some thing like that if they couldn’t. Who knows what their motivation might have been.

So you stopped. Maybe you never even started. Growing up we overhear all kinds of conversations. As kids we tend to internalize those conversations because it came from someone important to us, important to our welfare even. We did not want to disappoint that person so we never did anything with that thing we wanted to try. I’ll give you an example. When I was a kid, I wanted to try learning to play the violin. I loved the sound of violin music. I loved watching someone play because their whole being became involved with the music. I was told that I would not be allowed to learn because the sound of someone learning the violin is like listening to cats being tortured. (not making that up). That was it. No violin. Perhaps I might have proved to be a virtuoso. The world will never know. Or will they?

You see, we’re grown-ups now. I’m not saying that thing of ours is going to turn our worlds around. I’m not saying that thing is going to make us a millionaire and loved by the world over. I’m not saying any of that. What I’m saying is, that those things made our hearts come alive. It made us dream. It made us imagine all possibilities. That is all that those things needs to do now.

I don’t know if any of us will be any good at what we try. It may take a little time to show any promise of being good at whatever it is. There is only one way to find out if we are going to be good at something. We just have to do it. Do it as a hobby. Do it as a toe-hold on our sanity. Do it because it brings our souls back to life and our souls deserves to live, really live. The people around us deserve to see us with our inner lights turned on and turned up bright.

Just one more thing. Remember how soul crushing it was to not be able to at least try that thing out? Let’s do someone else the favor of not doing that to them. Let’s support someone else trying out theirs. Maybe it’s your kid, your friend, a parent. It doesn’t matter who it is. It is time to lift each other up and give ourselves the chance to see where that little dream we have, that little light, takes us. What a beautiful world we are going to create.

Share your some thing and how you’re doing with it in the comments. Chat with each other. Chat with me. Let’s be each others cheering section?

P.S. If that thing you try out doesn’t quite pan out, it’s okay. You can tweak it or change it all together. There are so many facets to our own art and how it gets expressed. I have a great friend that knits hats that he donates to Veterans’ Organizations. Who knew he’d be so good at it and get such joy out of it. There are no limits on the things we get to try, how old we are or how long it takes. Just do it.

“I Hate Confrontation”

According to Oxford Dictionary confrontation is: A hostile or argumentative meeting or situation between opposing parties. Based on that definition, agreed, I hate confrontation. However, confrontation should not be confused with disagreement. A disagreement is when we don’t see eye to eye on a subject. It becomes a confrontation when it escalates into loud voices, arguing, expletives and more.

Sometimes someone tells us something about ourselves, or something they perceive in us that we don’t like. It seems it is human nature to immediately take the opposition with guarding and argument. We may use deflection pointing out something we don’t like in the other person or even someone not involved at the time who exhibits the same behavior or trait. We may use the tactic of making excuses for what has been pointed out to us as well. What if instead we just took a moment to think about what that person has shared with us. Do you know what courage it may have taken them to bring this to your attention? I have rarely found that there isn’t some truth to what someone has showed me about myself.

Unless we’re already at the confrontational phase, what that person is pointing out to us is most likely not meant to be hurtful. Not if it is someone who cares about us. It is often easy to tell that they are coming from a loving place by the language they are using to point something out to us. The fact that they are not yelling should be a really good sign. When someone is bringing our attention to a trait or behavior of ours it is because they want things to be better in their relationship with us. They may devolve into that confrontational stand point when they feel the frustration of not being heard or understood.

Listen, pause and think. This is one of the best ways to work through something with someone who cares about us. Maybe we don’t realize we respond a particular way because it has become a habit for us. We can ask to step away from the conversation if we need to give ourselves time to see it through the other person’s eyes. We can always continue the conversation later. People really do want to get along and will give us the space we need when they care about us.

Of course, we all want to be the hero of our own story. But, did you ever notice, the hero in every story has a moment where they question themselves and who they are? They have this epiphany often brought on by some level of adversity that evolves them into the true hero that they are meant to be. Let’s consider what someone is sharing with us about ourselves as one of those possible moments to evolve.

We deserve to be the best version of ourselves. Sometimes that means working on something about ourselves that hurts someone else. Sometimes, it is seeing ourselves with honesty and doing the work that is necessary to create the change we want to see around us. None of us is perfect and honestly, who would want to be. Perfection leaves us nothing to strive for. However, we are all amazing works in progress. Sometimes the next lesson, the next evolution of ourselves comes from someone showing us our not best features and giving us the opportunity to grow. Ideally, that is what can bring people closer together.

Just a reminder…

I love this! We all have that amazing day when we stand up for ourselves and say I’m done. We mean it too. Then life happens and we forget that we said “I’m done”. How about we remind each other. Let’s catch each other when we see one of us faltering. We don’t have to do things all alone. It’s time to surround ourselves with the people who will catch us when we fall and help us be strong again. I’m here to remind you that you’re done. Maybe tomorrow, you can remind me.

  • Tiny Buddha is one of my fave places for positivity. You can catch them on their own website or follow them at Tiny Buddha on Facebook! (No compensation for sharing their info). Click on the highlighted text and it will take you right there.

Just Getting Started!

So, after 15 years as a massage therapist and life coach, it is time to reach out to the world beyond my office! I love helping people uncover their best selves. You know, the person you started out as before everyone told you who, what, how, where and why to be.

Over the years I have found that I can’t fix anyone. But, I can and have provided the information, resources and support that have helped people do what it takes to be the best version of themselves. That great version of you feels good at every level of their being (most days). So good in fact that you enjoy living each day to its fullest as a Happily Healthful you.

Thanks for joining me here at Happily Healthful. This journey may be challenging at times, but it’s going to be an amazing ride! Ready? Let’s get going!

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